Putting out Fires

It's been a while since I posted. It seems like some what of a roller coaster, but perhaps not, perhaps that is just an illusion to distract me from my larger purposes, though I am not sure what these may be, except in the most general terms. I think I get easily distracted. Perhaps it is a form of attention deficit disorder, (ADD), though not in the intellectual sense, rather in a spiritual sense, Spiritual Attention Deifict Disorder (SADD). Intellectually I can sit down and write a technical report for six or eight hours at at time, though usually only after I have waited until the deadline is looming, but that is about motivation not attention. And if I am interested I can read an entire book in one sitting. So attention is doable intellectually.

However spiritually, and relationally, perhaps there is an attention deficit. I get to a certain point and want to wander off. Spiritually I learn a little something, then get distracted by something that seems like a really important crisis and forget what ever I just learned. A few days ago I had dream about fires in a cave where I lived, all these fires popping up out of no where, even stones were on fire. Fire chasted me down the tunnels as I ran with my teacup full of water. I was putting out the fires using a tea cup. splash. It was not effective. Finally I found a way to turn on a whole flow of water that went right through the fires. And they all went out immediately. I think that my subconscious (the cave) is troubled by many small emergencies (busy putting out fires) and I use meager resources (a tiny tea cup full) to address them when I could turn on an ongoing flow of resources to calm all the emergeniges, and keep the fires from restarting. I am thinking the flow of water represents love, an onging flow of love. "Perfect love casts out all fear." I have struggled with what is "Perfect" love. Maybe it is love that flows continuously, rather than the way I usually do it, in little spurts, a teacup full. splash. I'm very loving in spurts, until you piss me off. Then its another fire.

So this week the fire is a sense of rejection. It is a long and very personal story so I won't go into the details, but I feel utterly rejected, an alien who will never have a place to be who I am. I am licking my wounds ready to pack it in and go back home. This is another little fire distracting me from the larger truth. The larger truth is that It is all about love. But I can't seem to get the flow to stay on, and the fire is blocking the faucet again.