Limited Circumstances

For some reason a quiet Monday morning is my favorite time for long meditations. With the unusual working situation I have I often have Monday mornings to just meditate after a busy outward weekend. Today's mediatation was especially fruitful. But it is difficult to begin. I started this blog wanting to share vision from meditations. I feel I am led to do so, but it is hard for me. As I have noted it feels like an alien thing. And yet I do think a reader might be encouraged by it. Perhaps they might be encouraged by the "lessons" of the vision, or, perhaps more importantly, they might be encouraged to seek out their own visionary process. Still I hesitate.

Rather than a specific vision, I will start with a small thing, a change of perspective. You see there are a number of ways in which my life seems limited. And often I find that worrisome, thinking that I should do better, live more broadly, more outwardly, be more succesful, go faster, all that stuff. The "limitations" relate to finances, physical health, use of time, and outwardness. For example, I have a very small business that may in fact be dying. However, I continue to have some work, and by a means I do not clearly understand, I live rather well. I have a nice suburban home, drive a safe paid-for car, eat excellent food, and from time to time I enjoy pleasant outings. But in fact I work very little. It is a mystery and often I worry about it. I think I am foolish to continue that way, just barely hanging on (and perhaps I will need to make a change, though is has been 8 years this way).

I shall continue with another example before moving on to the change of perspective, that perhaps you are already anticipating. My health is also "delicate." There are many things I cannot do, especailly things I cannot eat. Well, I can eat them, but then I have problems. No need to bore you with the details, I do that too often in person. People eat together a lot so the topic comes up and apparently I still need to talk it through. Another aspect of the health thing is that I sleep lot. But in fact I have excellent health in recent years. I don't get specific illnesses, like colds or flu, and I'm not too troubled by the usual allergy symptoms. About the food problem, the things I can't really eat are: sugar, pork, highly processed foods especially meats, and low quality (or high volume) alcohol. Does this list of restricted foods look familiar?

So yesterday I was working in my yard feeling sorry for myself,"All this yard work to do, all on my own, such a big place to try to keep up with, blah blah blah." Then I realized I have such a big place to keep up with, oh yeah, have a big place of my very own! And then it all tumbled in. Thinking about low income my usual thought is, "Oh my, I don't have much work." But then I realized, oh yeah, I don't have much work! Instead I have lots of free time! Then I thought about my health. Instead of "Gee, my poor delicate body can't take much." (You get the idea). Now I'm thinking my delicately lovely body won't let me take in much crap. All of my circumstances that seem to be limitations have led me to this life of disciplined contemplation. (And I haven't even discussed my sex life, though I may briefly. Well, there are limitations there as well. I don't need to be specific, but some things work for me and some things don't - in a very clear and unpleasant ways. And when I think with my brain (as verses with other parts), I realize that the things that don't work for me are troublesome in many ways. So the same principle seems to be at work).

My "limiting circumstances" are amazing directions, as in instructions. These instructions are every where. I can't even drive fast. It makes me too nervous, feels like the car is out of control. It drives my kids crazy. But I get there, just slowly. It is another example of "limitations" that lead me to a life that is different from the cultural demand to live faster and faster. I see the harsh demands of our culture especially in the workplace. When I do work, I go to industries where employees are sick from the work. Usually I find they work very long hours, regularly over 40 hours per week, sometimes not taking weekends off (not honoring the Sabbath). I think no wonder you are sick. For me I cannot work that hard. One time I was taking with my son about finances and my business. He said - mom if you worked full time (that is billable work 40 hours every week) you'd be Rich! Yes, but when one is a sole proprietor is not usual to be billable full time (unless they work 60+ hours per week- which many do). But I am just not that successful. It seems that I do my business in a limited way.

So today I am contemplating the blessings of my limited circumstances. I have an unsuccessful business that allows me time for writing, and church work, and playing. I have poor health that allows me to consistently eat very healthfully and sleep well. And I have a highly sensitive mind prone to insanity that allows me to go slowly through life and enjoy deep contemplation, intense prayer, healing energy, and perhaps prophetic vision. Wow, maybe I can finally take in this change of perspective and remember it. Maybe I can stop fighting my circumstances, perhaps I can stop resisting and fearing my life. Perhaps I can begin to thank Goddess for providing exactly the limitations I need to develop into the disciplined contemplative visionary she as offered for me to be. Perhaps I can have the courage to speak it out, to show that within an ordinary life one can find a different way to live in a very fast, harsh, poisonous, and dehumanizing world.