Well, I am going to just step out here and preach a little so be forewarned.
It is finally sinking in. I had heard parts of the story all my life but it is finally sinking a little bit. I'm guessing there is way more that I still don't get but perhaps I will see te rest eventually too.
I've spent my whole life Trying Real Hard, complete with stomach troubles, tight neck, and TMJ to prove it. Or else being sick and rebellious because I couldn't try any harder. I've been trying to be good, or at least to be pleasing. Mercy, the things I have done to be pleasing, the list is long and horrible. I married a man I cared for but didn't love, I took on my fathers illness, I spent my education opportunity in a field that is not where my gifts and calling lie, so many things. It became such a habit to be pleasing that I have submitted to rape several times. Such a tragic way of life, so disempowering, it is not what is intended.
You see I was taught that being pleasing was what God required. I let that become such a huge corner stone of life that it lead me to do things that surely would not please God, but I apparently thought were necessary to be acceptable in that moment. And being acceptable in the moment becomes a god, a dangerous one.
But now I'm seeing things differently. The way to live in joy and in power is not in hoping to be acceptable by being pleasing, but to rest in faith and trust. Geez, that sentence sounds so cheesy. Let me try again.
It is finally sinking in. I had heard parts of the story all my life but it is finally sinking a little bit. I'm guessing there is way more that I still don't get but perhaps I will see te rest eventually too.
I've spent my whole life Trying Real Hard, complete with stomach troubles, tight neck, and TMJ to prove it. Or else being sick and rebellious because I couldn't try any harder. I've been trying to be good, or at least to be pleasing. Mercy, the things I have done to be pleasing, the list is long and horrible. I married a man I cared for but didn't love, I took on my fathers illness, I spent my education opportunity in a field that is not where my gifts and calling lie, so many things. It became such a habit to be pleasing that I have submitted to rape several times. Such a tragic way of life, so disempowering, it is not what is intended.
You see I was taught that being pleasing was what God required. I let that become such a huge corner stone of life that it lead me to do things that surely would not please God, but I apparently thought were necessary to be acceptable in that moment. And being acceptable in the moment becomes a god, a dangerous one.
But now I'm seeing things differently. The way to live in joy and in power is not in hoping to be acceptable by being pleasing, but to rest in faith and trust. Geez, that sentence sounds so cheesy. Let me try again.
We need to feel safe by feeling accepted in to the tribe, accepted by the high status authority (whatever form that takes). We all need to feel powerful by being accomplished in some way. And we need joy it sustain us, because life is full of suffering. Joy is the food of the spirit and keeps us alive. There is no power or joy in trying hard to be pleasing. And it is not possible to accomplish that goal, not to please people, not to please God. And it is a waste of life energy, a distraction that leads to other even more dangerous distractions like anger, depression, bitterness, and isolation. And these lead to other distractions like addictions and hatred.
Recently I have been feeling better. Just that, feeling better. The sadness is not falling so hard, or so long, or so often. The hopelessness is easing, though in fact the circumstances for "security" are little improved. I have just been feeling better, calmer, happier more often, more easily satisfied, more wiling to engage with others, to listen and be present, to gobble up their proffered morsels of friendship and love. I attribute it to something subtle and powerful, something whose words and name sound contrived in a modern world. I attribute this change to the power of the holy spirit.
What des that mean "The Holy Spirit"? Well, in truth I am not entirely sure. It is like asking what does it mean to "Fall in Love." Mostly one has to go there to really know. The words only point in a direction. But I know a few things. The Holy spirit is a gift. It is more than a feeling but it does come with feelings. It is like gravity wherein one falls into God, god being that great Love that sustains all things. Though, I can step out from it and go back into my difficulties and darkness at any moment, so it is not as demanding as gravity. One must chose to remain in the spirit. Under the influence of the holy spirit the world feels better, brighter, there is hope. One can look at people and processes and see something to love, something in each that is lovable. But there is more.
Somehow the power of the holy spirit actually changes things. I believe that brain chemistry stuck in depressive imbalance of neurotransmitter production or lack of production is rebalanced. I believe that cellular mutations that develop into cancer and milder dysfunctions are realigned at the level of the DNA. I believe that addictive processes loose their intensive pull on our bodies and minds. I believe that the spirit can ease bitter unforgiveness. I've have even had the surprise of remembering grievances I had forgotten, and then realizing that even with the memory, it did not matter anymore.
And the power of the holy spirit extends beyond that. It doesn't just change the way others look to me, I think it changes the way we look to others. I even think people who are walking in the spirit look younger and more beautiful. I think it changes the field around a person so that others respond differently, more positively. I believe that the holy spirit can actually speak through us to say important things to others that they need to hear and are ready to hear, encouragement, and redirection. The point is that the holy spirit changes everything. Things that had been a Big Deal, are not so bad. I heard a voice (a thought in my mind) telling me yesterday "This is not a Problem." Oh yeah, that's right, this Is Not a Problem. Now.... what was it I really wanted to focus on?
Recently I have been feeling better. Just that, feeling better. The sadness is not falling so hard, or so long, or so often. The hopelessness is easing, though in fact the circumstances for "security" are little improved. I have just been feeling better, calmer, happier more often, more easily satisfied, more wiling to engage with others, to listen and be present, to gobble up their proffered morsels of friendship and love. I attribute it to something subtle and powerful, something whose words and name sound contrived in a modern world. I attribute this change to the power of the holy spirit.
What des that mean "The Holy Spirit"? Well, in truth I am not entirely sure. It is like asking what does it mean to "Fall in Love." Mostly one has to go there to really know. The words only point in a direction. But I know a few things. The Holy spirit is a gift. It is more than a feeling but it does come with feelings. It is like gravity wherein one falls into God, god being that great Love that sustains all things. Though, I can step out from it and go back into my difficulties and darkness at any moment, so it is not as demanding as gravity. One must chose to remain in the spirit. Under the influence of the holy spirit the world feels better, brighter, there is hope. One can look at people and processes and see something to love, something in each that is lovable. But there is more.
Somehow the power of the holy spirit actually changes things. I believe that brain chemistry stuck in depressive imbalance of neurotransmitter production or lack of production is rebalanced. I believe that cellular mutations that develop into cancer and milder dysfunctions are realigned at the level of the DNA. I believe that addictive processes loose their intensive pull on our bodies and minds. I believe that the spirit can ease bitter unforgiveness. I've have even had the surprise of remembering grievances I had forgotten, and then realizing that even with the memory, it did not matter anymore.
And the power of the holy spirit extends beyond that. It doesn't just change the way others look to me, I think it changes the way we look to others. I even think people who are walking in the spirit look younger and more beautiful. I think it changes the field around a person so that others respond differently, more positively. I believe that the holy spirit can actually speak through us to say important things to others that they need to hear and are ready to hear, encouragement, and redirection. The point is that the holy spirit changes everything. Things that had been a Big Deal, are not so bad. I heard a voice (a thought in my mind) telling me yesterday "This is not a Problem." Oh yeah, that's right, this Is Not a Problem. Now.... what was it I really wanted to focus on?
So how do you get it, this mysterious holy spirit? Well, the way I was taught is that is a gift that descends onto a person at Christian baptism. But I was Baptised when I was only nine years old, and I guess it did descend at that time. But I have certainly wandered off since then. Also, I have seen the spirit on people who are not Christians. So I am guessing there are other ways to get it besides just Christain Baptism. I still approach the holy spirit through Jesus, but oddly it is a big Goddess I see when I close my eyes. So I don't understand it all. These are just the story book pictures we are getting. I think the way to get the spirit is ask for it. To look for it in all things. To head that way all the time, to be in prayer without ceasing. To read about it and talk about it, to look for others who have it and spend time with them.
Getting back to my first point that it is by faith and trust, rather than by being pleasing that we can enjoy a life of power and joy. The trust part is trusting that the power of the holy spirit is working. It is working right now to make all things new. It is a new mantra "the holy spirit is working, the holy spirit is working....."
I know I am a long way off from it too often, but I think I've got a glimpse now. I know I want more, more of the transformation that makes life sweeter, right here, right now.
1 comment:
your words ring truth. it is a great mystery - the holy spirit. calvin said that you cannot understand the trinity unless you step into it. it seems a wimpy way of explanation, but i think it also rings truth.
i am glad you are feeling the wrapping hands of the holy spirit. i believe the holy spirit is a "she" if you will. there are some that attribute the holy spirit to holy wisdom - sophia - spoken about in the hebrew bible in wisdom literature.
thanks for helping me to see also when to realize "this is not a problem".
aud
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