Still on a roll with that

Oh my, when it's 3:30 in the morning, then it's 4:30 in the morning I'm wondering, why am I awake? What has disturbed me so, me, a highly skilled sleeper? Was it all the writing I wanted to do, all the understandings coming to me. No, when I prayerfully questioned, it was nothing that enlightening, just plain old pain. It took me nearly two hours to realize I was just in pain, that was what woke me up. The mind did start babbling about, but that wasn't what disturbed my champion sleeping ability. So while waiting for the motrin to kick in, I thought about not seeing my pain for so long, going round and round in all sorts of interesting mental masturbation (the real kind didn't work either, I really didn't feel good). It got me thinking about this issue of suffering again. I'm still on a roll with that.

I have spent a lot of time and money avoiding my suffering. Like other things I've noted here, that's not really a bad thing, though perhaps a bit infantile. In my case I also "spent" a lot of my health in trying to avoid suffering by doing additive behaviors instead, the usual stuff sex, drugs, drinking, and I'll throw in reading too for me. Then of course the addictive crap brings it's own suffering, so more to run away from. Then you get move on to self improvement, which can be either a great way to keep wallowing around in all that crap - talk about it, read about it, take seminars about it, and feel generally superior when you get a little ahead of it for a while - or the self help therapeutic culture can be another great way to avoid accepting one's suffering.

Now I'm not suggesting that one should not try to improve, but I know it can be another version of the "Make me happy now damn it" culture. That and the pills, mercy mother of god the pills. I speak from experience. They help and they don't help. I finally decided every fringing method helped until it didn't. I think I find one placebo after another. And the last round was truly horrifying poison. But that is for another story. So I'm getting to the non-negotiability of our suffering (I like that phrase, not original though, my friend is sharing beautiful writing on this topic too at http://lifecomingfast.wordpress.com.)

How can I suggest that our suffering is a good thing? Well, actually I'm not suggesting that it is. What I'm suggesting is that accepting our suffering is a good thing. Important difference. It is valuable to accept it, to stop trying to run away from it, to stop thinking the we shouldn't have to suffer, that our friends and family shouldn't have to suffer. We tend to want very one to have a nice time, especially ourselves, or at least get to bitch it about when we don't. See I don't really believe that every moment of life is suffering and I don't think Buddha meant that either. I certainly don't think we are to look at some poor naked hungry child in cardboard shack and say "oh well life is suffering." What I do mean is that it is time for me to accept it, stop resisting it, running away from it, being pissed off about it, thinking that tomorrow it will be gone and then be heartbroken when it's not. Instead, I want sit with the grief of a friend, pay attention to my body and get medicine or better care, take action, and most importantly have compassion.

When I can accept my suffering, first I can stop making more by resisting it, then I can have compassion for myself in being a weak little girl sometimes (and glory in the moments of being a powerful woman when I'm there). But what I am trying to get to is that if we don't accept suffering we won't go to the depth of our lives. If we are just being nice and happy and getting fixed, we won't do deep, and we won't do intimate. That is the big one for me (and for nearly everyone I've chosen to do relationships with).

So when I slam the door of my heart on a room full of suffering so I can go back to the big party (yeah right), then somewhere locked up in that room is really important stuff, like how to make connection, how to sit still with someone, how to be intimate, how to forgive. I need the things I slammed behind those doors labeled "Suffering! Do Not Enter!" That is the wilderness we must enter. That is where the big trees grow, the trees heavy with the fruit of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, and self-control. And by their fruits you shall know them. I need that harvest. I am opening up those doors and climbing the big trees.