Curiouser and Curiouser

Curiouser and curiouser, I think that's what I'll do. In time the tightness is strangling. Do you feel it? In the back of the neck? In the stiffness of the hand, the fist curling? A tightness? Wondering where there is room?
I saw little daffodil sprouts bravely popping up thier heads in the patchy snow. Maybe it just gets to tight underground, they can't even wait for the snow to melt. They push on up prophesying an unlikely spring, bundled as I am. Maybe they are just curious to see if it's time, if they can make it, what the season will bring. I don't think it's stupidity. I think it's curiosity breaking free of tightness.
I used to find myself in fights with my former partner. We always fought the same fight, whatever the trigger, it was the same old fight. She was being betrayed and was being controlled. It was too tight in that place for me, she held on tight. Now no one is holding me, it is free fall. I don't like that either. But maybe, just maybe, I can muster curiosity.
Yesterday I thought again about middle age prowling at my door. A friend talked about settling, not the "oh this'll do" sort of settling, but the settling in, settling down sort of settling. I think part of the anxiousness about middle age is that things seem still unsettled, and something seems to think things should be settled. My friend doesn't settled she says, jumps up an starts new things, playing bass, and biking through New York, pop, go! Unsettling, but curious.
This morning I woke up curious. I'm thinking about getting a part-time job, starting something new. I think maybe I can unplug some very tight fear and plug in some curious. I do wonder. See the egg carton has been in same spot in the frig for a long time and I still wear sweaters I got I high school. I still have the same hobbies, (swimming, writing, and reading) that had when I was twelve. Maybe that is why things feel so tight, so tight.
Maybe curious might feel a bit more... light.