Calculus of Peace

So many people talk about the "go with the flow" thing, or if you have a different theological orientation, it may be "walk in the spirit." Either way it is about surrender, and peace, non- resistance. The idea that if we are pushing and pushing, begging, demanding, pleading, desiring, craving, NEEDing something, anything, that the force of all that trying makes it very difficult for the desired thing to happen. I have heard many stories about this seeming to be true, though I cannot explain the phenomenon as to why, but I wish I could. As for me I was raised in a household of try hard, work hard, plod, plod, dutifully plod. And we do. (In the bible this is called "living under the law," which means follow all the rules, very strictly, and that makes everything okay. Jesus came to end that by bringing grace and the Holy Spirit).

The dutiful plodder method does work, for some things. However, it is slow, methodical, and ultimately joyless. And it doesn't work very well for some things, "minor" things, like love. One can build powerful obligations and commitments, decisions that look like "love" by that method, but not Love, not that adoration and comfort in the joy and wonder of the other. And I am thinking maybe not destiny either. Certainly one can achieve goals by the plod harder method, but perhaps not Destiny.

I have been plodding for a long time. I am a plodder. One could look at my resume, and see only a very short list of very similar professional positions each held for a long time, a long plodding tenure through my career, a career that has come to an abrupt halt. An Intuitive Soul Reader I went to points me toward a Destiny. She said I am at a point of no return, that I must surrender. Surrender had already come up in prayer. So I thinking about this surrender thing.

And that brings me back to the "go with the flow" thing. Today I was praying. As I often do I wanted to ask, "whatamIgoingtodo?, whatamIgoingtodo?, etc." But as I began I felt the presence of my beloved Goddess at my left side, towering over me, sheltering me, drawing me close to her. I began to ask my question as I often do. But she said no, just listen. So I just listened. Then came her outpouring of grace. It is difficult to explain and I may have already lost the few readers I have. It feels like just relaxing, a breath, and the flesh finally lays gently on the bones, muscle and sinew drape like a veil of gossamer. The heart slows, respiration slows, the subtle trembling that goes unnoticed stops. A slight weight comes to the top of the head were the light pours in like a funnel, invisible but having a slight mass, like a very tall hat, so tall it goes up into heaven. So there I sat in that place of relaxation, of no worries for the moment, of peace, of surrender. And Goddess said this, this is what you are going to do, this is all I want you to do.

That seems nice, but what about client contacts, and forms to fill out, and only one report left to write, and bills coming, and bank accounts draining, and all the myriad chaos of unemployment, of out of business, of no where to turn? No, she said, just this, just the surrender, just the peace that passes understanding. Anything else that you do chose to do must be done from here. I immediately go to arguing, how can I possible stay here? I would look like a stoned flaky fruitcake from LaLaLa Land. She said one day, do it one day. Then do it one more day, one more hour, one more minute, just do it and when it doesn't work, do it again. So I think, okay I will Try.

But do you remember Yoda? the funny little big ears guru in Star Wars? He said "There is no try, there is only do or do not do." I had a guru once and she showed me that too. She said "Stand up, okay now see that chair over there? Go try to sit in that chair." So I went and sat in that chair. She said "No, stand up again. You did not do what I said to do, you sat in the chair. I didn't say sit in the chair. I said try to sit in the chair." So I "tried" to sit in the chair. She said "No, now you are crouching and hovering over the chair. I didn't say crouch and hover over the chair I said Try to sit in the chair." It reminds me of calculus as one approaches the limit of zero, "No, do not divide by zero, only approach dividing by zero." Well, it works in the faith based religion of calculus, but it doesn't work in the world of real geometry, a math that can take to a real place, or going to a destiny.

So if you look for me today I am here in this flaky place, of relaxing, of surrender, of peace, at least in little pieces, string them together, adding fractions of infinity.