Dark Storm

I have been in a drak storm for a couple of days. It is not gone but it is passing. I wish this would stop. It is strange to look in the mirror and see different people on different days. I have been taking photos of the different poeple there. They are not pretty pictures. This time the storm came with pain, a lot of joint pain, swollen knobby hands and feet, pain everywhere. The picture of my body self inside looks like chains, I am in chains, heavy chains of the old self. It does not matter, that is part of this place of being in this dark place, the sense that nothing matters, none of this stuff. In dreams the trees are falling on the house again, crushing and explosion. I hate sleeping in pain, it always brings nightmares. Today I was driving and began to grieve that the pain and dark days always return. I felt that hopelessness, the waiting and wasting of days and years. Then there came an intense pain in my chest and heart fibrulations. It lasted for about a minute. It was diffcult to breathe and as it worsened I felt that a heart attack was beginning. I was driving and frightened. I knew that it came with my thoughts of dispair and heart break. It has happened before. I have even gone to the emergency room over it in the past only to get a bill of good heart health and a bill of thousand plus dollars. So I knew what was happening. I prayed scripture (that is why you memorize it). And the heart pain and arrythmia stopped. Then i realized It is me. It is me driving this body. I drive the bus here, the bus of my body, of my life. Holy shit what a horrible thought. I can think myself into a heart attack just like that. I have spent two days in bed over joint pain because my mind is the chains of repression and unspoken anger after visiting my mother again. I am driving this crazy bus, this bus stopped on the side of the road, side lined, unemployed, on hold, unpublished, unspoken, invisible, in pain. I am doing this. I empower everything inside this little realm of my life. I call forth all of this. I want off this bus. I don't trust this driver. I abdicate.
then I read a blog at a friend's blog. I will link when I feel better. She told a story that I was present for. It was about a mutual friend singing at our womens group. She told about listenning in love. Oh what was her words. i will find it. But the mutual frined was blessed. My blogging friend was blessed. And this little group was something I organized and have tried to develop. I drove that bus too. There it is blessing someone. I cried and creid. Becasue that has been another of my heart breaks this week that that group is not doing what I had hoped, not meeting the needs of some of the poeple. But here, my friend told of a small blessing, of having an impact.
Maybe this storm will pass. My girl friend asked how long the joint pain might last. I told her it felt like I would always feel this way, that I could not make an assessment from this place. I driving the bus. Oh help. I know in my mind this does not last. It has been a cycle of madness for all of my life that can remember. I know that it passes. But it is hard. And it gets worse over the years. And every time i want to die to jjust have it over to just go home. that nothing here matters. But I know it wil pass. And now i see a little light, that maybe maybe some I do has meaning. I may not post this, it is too dark, too naked, to whining. It is as it is. It is the other end of the divine madness. my star stff is cold and sharp, I have flown off course into the cold cold night. I must stop my hands hurt again.